


Ping!

by Venstar



Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: M/M, Prompt Fill, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 01:16:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7597750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Venstar/pseuds/Venstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Old people and technology.  Somehow 007 had accidentally group texted him and 006.  There’s an attachment included and being curious in his little soul, Q opened it...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ping!

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt Fill for Rasa...the inspiration for this R. I asked some 00Qers to pick from a set of Funny Au prompts. Rasa picked "You accidentally snap me a pic of you in the shower which is fine, cause accidents happen, except now I can’t look at you because I keep wondering if it’s a shower or a grower.” I DID MY BEST...BUT TAILORING TO A VERY SPECIFIC PROMPT WAS HARDER THAN I EXPECTED!! D:

 

_Ping_

Distracted from the set of blueprints he had found in the Old Quartermaster’s files and was trying to bring them into the modern century, Q scrabbled for his mobile that was buried under the surface layer of his workstation.  He gave it a cursory glance before frowning at it.  The number was 007’s.  Q’s frown deepened.  007 never contacted him outside of missions.  Possible emergency?  Q reads the text, _“I am going to murder you, Alec.”_ Q rolled his eyes, and brushed his fringe out of his eyes.  Old people and technology.  Somehow 007 had accidentally texted him instead of 006.  There’s an attachment included and being curious in his little soul, Q opened it and his eyebrows shot up.

“Boss?”  

Q clutched the mobile close to his chest, burying it in the folds of his cardigan and whirled to face R.  “Problem?” He asked breathlessly, before coughing to clear his throat.

“Um.  No.  No problem.”  She looked between the mobile held tight in his hands and his face.  She studied him hard.

Q remained impassive and stoic even as his mobile began to go off in a series of text _Pings_.  What the hell!?

R tilted her head, trying to peek at his mobile.  “You gonna get that?”  

“Just friends goofing off, it’s not important.” Q lied, flattening his entire hand over the back of his mobile, trying to hide it under his skin.

_Ping_

“Uh huh.  Anyways, here are the midnight minions reports on last night’s super villain competition.”  R waved her tablet in the air in front of his face.  He reached his free hand out to snag it from her.  “Want me to hold that for you?”

Q glared at her, “No.”

_Ping_

“Just trying to help.”

“Great.  Thanks.”  Q slid his mobile across his chest and down into the pocket of his tweed slacks and hit the power button to lock it.  “And who do we have for our first contender?”

_Ping_

“Argentinian founder of drugs-r-us incorporated is in the lead position, followed by a few lengths by the South African thugalicious literal blood and guts, diamond dealer in the rough, and coming in last place, former KGB hitman for hire and all around badass wannabe, who is obviously trying to overcompensate for size.”

_Ping_

Q continued to ignore his mobile and studied the fuzzy digital photos, “Dear lord, when will they learn that the size of the rifle isn’t what matters,  it’s the precision and accuracy of the instrument.”  Q turned the photos as he examined them from every angle.

“It’s not the size of the gun that matters, but the motion of the action.”  R mimed the pump action of a shotgun.

“R.”  Q shook his head at her humor.

_Ping_

“Someone’s trying to get your attention.”

“Yes, well, I’m busy judging the Supervillain competition and it’s not important, I’ll answer later.”  Q began to flip through the files that the minions had submitted, filing the information away in his mind for later analysis.

“If it’s from Moneypenny, she’ll only make your life miserable.”

“Trust me, it’s not MP and no, I’m not telling you who it is, you don’t have the clearance for it.”  Q transferred the data from R’s tablet onto his own.

“Psssh, whatever.  Fine, but remember, this is an agency filled with spies.  I may not find out this minute, I may not find out in a few hours, I may not even find out tomorrow, but I will find out.”

“Thank you, R for that stunning recitation.”  Q handed R her tablet back, hoping to end their interaction.  

“No problem boss.  I’m on my way to R&D.  MINIONS!”  R’s voice rose into a shout at the end, Q winced at being so near her shouting voice.

The herd of midnight minions lifted their heads from their various tasks as R yelled out, “It’s demo dummy derby time!”

“Woo-hoo!”

“Yeah!”

“Aye, aye R!”

 

Q watched as his second in command gathered up the midnight minions and after laying down the ground rules, they divided themselves into teams and ran off in several directions to fetch a demo dummy.  Q gave R a small smile as she waved at him and walked off to R&D to gleefully await who the minions brought back.  Each team had to find an unwitting demo dummy from the various employees on staff.  They could use any sort of trick, lie or move hell and high water to convince their target to come down to Q-branch.  Once they were brought down to Q-branch, each minion would vote on which unsuspecting soul got to be R’s demo dummy.  

 

Once Q knew he had a clear window of opportunity, he swiftly pulled his mobile out and unlocked it and looked down at the picture attachment that was still up on his screen.  It was a shot of 007 in one of the shower stalls in MI-6’s locker rooms.  Q silently and slightly guiltily admired the view.  He thumbed the scroll bar up and down, he could see the bottom of 007’s face, his lips and jawline,  along with his wet torso, but the picture stopped before it got to the really interesting part of 007’s anatomy.  Of all the evidence to suffer redaction, this was almost unbearably frustrating, the old adage of “Grower or Shower,” Q mumbled to himself in amusement.  Q frowned and zoomed in…”Oh. Oh dear.” Q clapped a hand over his mouth.  In sharpie, written on the firm muscles of 007’s abdomen, right over where his happy trail ended, were the words _“Objects in pants are smaller than they appear.”_

 

This completely explained 007’s threat to murder 006.  Q saved the attachment for blackmail later, after all, this was MI-6, who knew when one would need leverage.   After saving the attachment, he opened up the other texts that 007 and 006 had sent back and forth.  Q shook his head, apparently the two older agents hadn’t realized that 007 had sent a group text to both him and Alec.  He could barely contain his laughter as the two agents went back and forth at each other.  

_“This better come off!”_

_“What?  They have to have something to read.”_

_“You shit head!  I have a mission in 36 hours.”_

_“They say abstinence is good for the soul.”_

_“Then I’ll end up in hell.”_

_“I’m going to frame this, you know.”_

_“Don’t you dare!  I am hunting you down as you type.”_

_“Jameska, calm down.”_

_I am calm. I am nothing but calm all the time.”_

_“No you’re not. You’re fifteen seconds away from starting a fight at all times.”_

_“I’ll calmly murder you.”_

_“That’s treason.”_

_“Then I’ll die happy committing treason.”_

_“Hey, what’s this other number on here?”_

_“???”_

 

“Oh shit,” whispered Q.

“Q.” 007 drawled.

Q turned slowly, as if he were in some sort of small budget horror film.  007 and 006 were standing between two groups of minions, who were smiling widely at their prizes.  006 was smiling to the point he was beginning to shake from suppressed laughter.  007 on the other hand merely looked amused.  The minions had no idea what was going on and were trying to sell each other’s groups on which agent would be better suited for being the demo dummy.  007 stepped close to Q and leaned close to whisper into his ear, “I don’t think you’re old enough for those sorts of images.  What will Mummy say?”

Q leaned into 007, “Mummy will want to know if what Alec wrote is true.”

007 raised one blond eyebrow and narrowed his eyes as he considered Q.

“Jameska, you are the gift that keeps on giving.  I’m framing mine Q, I suggest you do the same thing.  It’s worth it, yes.  Also, it is true, what I wrote.”

Q and the minions stood stock still as two, senior double oh agents began to run around their lair.  One laughing hysterically and trying to avoid being murdered and the other one trying their hardest to murder the one laughing hysterically.  


End file.
